TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be huge. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of place. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have A different area the place American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: supply Everybody a set about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he ought to cease using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the task, replied, "You recognize, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from space, a function currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the developing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by attendees may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is by now attracting notice from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a Trump Tower Damascus report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also involve:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort where my PTSD might have change-down services."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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